r/tifu 6d ago Facepalm Wholesome Take My Energy Evil Cackle

S TIFU by asking my wife for a paternity test

29.7k Upvotes

This didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago. My wife of 4 years gave birth to our first child last year. Both my wife and I are blue eyed and light skinned. Our baby has a darker skin tone. Over the past 6 months his eyes turned a very dark brown.

I had my doubts. My friends and family had questions. I read too many horror stories online.

I asked my wife half jokingly one day if she was sure the kiddo was mine. She starred daggers at me and said of course he is. I let it go for a while, but I still had a nagging doubt.

So right after thanksgiving I told her I wanted a paternity test to put my doubts to rest. She agreed.

A few weeks ago I came home to an empty house. Wife and son gone. On the bed she left the paternity results. And a petition for divorce.

Kid is 100% mine. Now I will only get to see him weekends and I lost the most amazing woman I have ever known.

TL;DR - I asked my wife for a paternity test. She decided she didnt want to be married to someone who didnt trust her.

r/tifu 12d ago You Dropped This

S TIFU when I reacted positively to being catcalled

13.6k Upvotes

Random throwaway.

This morning my gf (25) and I (28m) passed a group of young guys (late teens, more or less) as we were walking down the street. One of the guys waited until we had our backs toward the group before shouting "nice ass!" At that moment, my gf turned around and yelled "grow the fuck up!" The loudmouth guy laughed like an evil anime character and said "I was talking to your boyfriend." The whole group was like "OoOoOoOoOoh." My gf looked at me and asked why I was smiling. I didn't even realize I was smiling until she pointed it out. I said no one has ever complimented my ass before. My gf said being catcalled is not a compliment and asked if I was gonna walk away without saying anything. I said if I was gonna open my mouth, it would be to say thank you for appreciating my ass. My gf and I did not see eye to eye about the situation at all and now there is unnecessary tension between us.

Tl:dr I got catcalled by a group of random guys in front of my gf. I took it as a compliment, which upset my gf, and now I'm in the doghouse apparently.

Edit:

The limited information in my post seemed to be more than enough evidence to convince some of you that there was zero possibility that the catcalling was directed at me. Before you file it under concrete facts, please consider the following details: A) one of the guys (not the loudmouth) did have a rainbow/pride face mask, albeit around his wrist, but still, one of them, if not most of them, might not be totally straight, B) I noticed loudmouth guy eyeballing me when my gf and I walked past (and I actually mentioned that to my gf afterwards, but it didn't mean much to her), C) my ass is fucking awesome and it's totally plausible that it attracted the eyes of sex positive young people. That being said, it's also possible that those guys did in fact catcall my gf and used my ass to push her buttons.

r/tifu 9d ago

S TIFU by asking my boyfriend (M28) if he is buff yet.

8.2k Upvotes

My boyfriend who is very overweight started working out 2 weeks ago. I've been away celebrating Chinese New Year with my relatives for about a week, and I kept getting snide comments about my boyfriend's appearance and how I could do better the whole time I was with them, which is why my boyfriend's health was on my mind.

I just got back from my hometown. I'm going to visit his family later, so I called him up to confirm the plans and jokingly asked if he had suddenly became more buff in the one week I hadn't seen him. He got really upset and said he hated the fact that I'm putting so much pressure on him when he only just started exercising. I tried to apologize and explain that I didn't mean to pressure him, but was worried that I would hurt his feelings more so I was silent for a bit thinking what to say. He hung up after I apologized, but he was clearly still upset about it.

I have to go to his house later, and I'm not sure what to do now, things feel so awkward.

TL; DR: I hurt my boyfriend's feelings by indirectly calling him fat.

r/tifu 2d ago All-Seeing Upvote hehehehe Crab Rave Mod Award

S TIFU by letting my son watch YouTube on my school owned laptop

4.7k Upvotes

I work for a public school in the USA and as such i have a computer owned by the school i use mostly for grading and meetings. The whole family is currently sick so me and my two boys (7 and 12) did not go in today. My 7 year old's tablet stopped working a few days ago and he wanted to watch YouTube so i let him use my work computer. I use it to listen to podcasts as i grade so they were fine with me on YouTube.

Anyways, i set up YouTube for my younger son and went downstairs with my wife to help with clearing out a storage room we have. About a hour or so i come back up and see my younger son no longer has my laptop. I ask him where it is and he said my older son gave him $5 to use it. I go up to his room and the door is locked. I yell at him to open the door and hear scrambling before he opens the door a minute later with a guilty look on his face. I go in and ask what he was doing on my computer. He says some stuff about roblox, obviously lying. I open the history and there are 20+ searches for porn, very bad stuff too. He looked up something along the lines of "12 year old girl porn" I know it monitors these laptops so im basically screwed.

That happened this morning and i just got an email from hr saying i need to come to an in person meeting as soon as i come in tomorrow. Im absolutely screwed, i don't think blaming my son will effect the situation. I am not supposed to let anyone else use my laptop. Im scared they will get police involved since some searches were basically for cp. Im absolutely screwed to the max. I don't want people in this town to think im a pedo, its a pretty small town word would spread.

Tldr: My 12 year old son looked up cp on my school issued laptop. It saw and i got an email saying to attend a meeting with hr scheduled tomorrow morning as soon as i come in

Update: I did not get fired. The first words the hr guy said when i walked in were if i let my son use my work laptop. I explained the situation and surprisingly everyone in the room thought it was pretty funny. We went through all the searches and its very obviously made by a kid. I don't think I'd look up "girls with boobs" or "Sex with penis and vagina " Also no sites were actually accessed, only searched on Google. I just got a slap on the wrist basically, thank God!

My son is grounded for 2 months from any electronics and he has to write a 300 word apology to me and the school for misusing school equipment and looking up dirty stuff.

r/tifu 20d ago Gold

S TIFU by asking my wife what she would do if I slapped her across the face

8.4k Upvotes

I was working from home and went downstairs to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I'd been concentrating on work and took the opportunity to briefly switch off and rest my mind for a bit.

As I was walking down the stairs I wondered what it would be like to slap someone across the face. There was no particular reason or context to this thought. I could just have easily wondered what it would be like to fill some wellies with tomato soup and walk down the street wearing them.

My wife was in the kitchen making her lunch and without any consideration or thought, as I walked in I straight up asked her "What would you do if I slapped you across the face?". She replied to say that's very mean, started crying, and left the room. I'm going to take from that response that she wouldn't be too chuffed if I did slap her.

Still not on proper speaking terms, I've got some making up to do.

(For the record I've never slapped her, or anyone for that mattter, and have no intention of ever doing so)

Tl;Dr I asked my wife what she would do if I slapped her across the face and she started crying.

r/tifu 13d ago

S TIFU by vaping during a video interview.

7.2k Upvotes

I had been preparing for this interview for weeks and was feeling confident going into it. I had my notes ready, my resume printed out, and my camera turned on. But as soon as the interview started, my nerves got the best of me. The interviewer and other members of the team were discussing matters that were not relevant to my position, and I found myself getting restless. To distract myself, I started reading through my notes.

In the midst of all this, I completely forgot that my camera was still on, and out of stress, I reached for my vape and took a puff. It was only when the interviewer asked me a question and I couldn't find my vape that I realized my mistake. I had been vaping on camera the entire time.

I tried to play it off, saying that it was just a habit, but the damage had been done. I could see the disappointment and disapproval on the interviewer's face. Needless to say, I did not get the job.

tldr : vaped my way out of a job interview.

Edit : a lot of comments are saying it's not a big deal to vape on 2023 when you're at home. I disagree. An interview is a chance to give a great first impression. And I was blowing smoke on a screen while they just watched me. It was embarrassing, cringy and I deserve not to get that.

Worst part is I don't even vape that often. And I'm not addicted. After I lost my last vape, I didn't vape for a few months and I only bought another one because I just happened to come across one. Anyways, I threw it away.

r/tifu 16h ago Silver Gold Take My Energy I'm Deceased

S TIFU by thinking avocados were indestructible

4.4k Upvotes

I grew up in a very cold climate. Every summer, there was a pile of rocks for sale in the produce section at the grocery store. They were like $8 each. I always wondered what idiot was buying those stupid rocks.

Years later, after moving to a much warmer climate, I found out those rocks were actually avocados. After learning about all the delicious things I could make with them, I decided to try my hand at making spinach avocado dip. I had finally become one of those rock purchasing idiots.

There was only one problem. I had no idea how to infiltrate the rock. So I thought to myself, how does one break a rock? With a hammer, of course. A claw hammer? No way. Look at this thing. It’s impenetrable. It’s time to break out the giant ball peen hammer from my diesel mechanic days.

So I happily marched out to my garage, placed the rock on a baking sheet, and with the power of a thousand suns, brought the hammer of Thor down upon it.

The resulting mess was indescribable. I was not prepared for the shower of toothpaste-like goop that rained down upon every crevice my garage had to offer. My lawnmower, my tool boxes, my hair, even my car foolishly parked a mere six feet away… nothing was spared. I stood frozen, shocked at the scene I’d created out of nothing but sheer stupidity, absolutely marinating in avocado and regret.

It’s been months and I still find the odd bit of rotting avocado, just waiting to remind me that I should have just googled how to peel it. I never got to make that dip and at this point I’d rather just leave it to the experts at my local restaurants.

TLDR; Smashed an avocado with a hammer because I am an absolute moron.

EDIT- Just to clarify some things from the comments: 1. As funny as it is to picture a big dude doing this, I am in fact a small woman. 2. The avocado felt hard to the touch, so I didn’t bother thoroughly squeezing it because I didn’t know I was supposed to. 3. Today I learned there is a far less slippery way to infiltrate an avocado, and that is to cut it, rather than peel it. 4. The pit did not survive. It died along with my dignity. 5. Here’s the hammer, which I have now labeled appropriately (I hope this is allowed but if it’s not please let me know and I can remove it!): https://imgur.com/gallery/2ZxwPPd

r/tifu 3d ago All-Seeing Upvote

S TIFU by sleeping with my niece

8.2k Upvotes

No, I didn't have sex with her but your reaction to that is why I have a problem.

My wife(39F) has a niece(19F) who goes to college nearby. She comes by for dinner 1-2x a week and stays the night about half the time. It's usually a last-minute decision, she'll stay if she's tired or if she's had drinks.

We have two guest bedrooms - one is at the other end of the house from ours. It has its own bath and is nicer. Guests, including the niece, usually stay in there. The second bedroom is next to ours and usually only gets used when the nicer one is already occupied. It also gets used by me frequently when my wife snores.

Last night the niece comes by, we have dinner and wine. I go to bed early and they're still chatting. I wake up around 1AM because the wife is snoring. Half-asleep, I stumble into the guest room and fall asleep.

I wake up about an hour ago and realize my niece is in the bed too. I guess she decided to stay but why she used this room I don't know, she's never used it before. I quickly exited the room and am now drinking coffee and wondering how I'm going to deal with this.

The bed's a king and has one of those isolating mattresses where you aren't supposed to feel movement from someone else. I also sleep pretty calmly, a habit I learned in the military. So she probably never knew I was there but I feel I need to at least mention it to my wife. This is a place where the coverup might be worse than the hit. Then again, that might lead to another TIFU later.

TL;DR: I unknowingly got into the bed where my niece was sleeping and now I gotta tell my wife

UPDATE: Hey sorry for the delay, the post got locked and I didn't know I could edit. I told my wife that morning when she got up and she was mortified at herself. She meant to tell me that niece was sleeping in there but they both got drunk and forgot. She told me she hoped I forgave her which is not where I thought this was going!

r/tifu 5d ago Gold Take My Energy Faith In Humanity Restored Ally Heartwarming

S TIFU by promising a homeless man a meal & not being able to deliver it.

6.6k Upvotes

I feel like absolute shit. I drove up to a homeless man on the corner & asked if he was hungry. He told me he wanted a quarter pounder meal from Mcdonald’s so I said I’d be back in about 10 minutes. I went to Mcdonald’s, ordered the meal, and well…my card declined. I had them run it multiple times & it wouldn’t work. I know for a fact I have the funds so I’m not sure what’s going on. I even tried to ask for the meal for free & then return with payment later on because it was for a homeless man. They wouldn’t do it. I went back to my car & called my bank. After waiting for 30 minutes, an automated machine told me to leave my name & number and I will receive a call back before the end of the day. It’s been over 4 hours. Still no call. I tried to call them again. Same automated message.

I’ve been feeling so guilty over this. I can’t imagine how he must feel to have been promised a nice meal & have someone never show up. I know it’s not my fault that my bank is absolute shit, but I feel like a bad person. I plan on trying to make it up to him if I see him in the future, but for now, I’m devastated & I’m sure he is as well. The worst part? When I was talking to him & told him I’d go get his food, he literally said, “You’re coming back right?” & I assured him I was. TL;DR

*Edit: Thanks to u/bamboojungles I was able to make the meal happen! Delivered it about 2 minutes ago. I’m sitting here in a parking lot just thinking about how there are good people in this world. It’s funny because I’m not a religious person, but I prayed that a way would be found for me to get this man his food. I wasn’t posting this to hope someone would send me money. At the time of this post, I already gave up. But hey, whether it was an answered prayer, or just the pure luck of someone with a good heart seeing this post, a man without a home was able to eat today.

r/tifu 29d ago Silver Gold Wholesome Hugz

S TIFU by not realizing my stepfather never had a son

15.3k Upvotes

So some context first. My mother cheated on my dad with with stepfather over 10 years ago and they have been married for 7 years now. I never really gave my stepfather a chance because of that. I wasn’t rude or a jerk to him I just didn’t want to go and do things with him because I felt like he ruined my parents marriage. Anyway I started riding motorcycles about 6 months ago and he started riding them too and I thought it was odd because he never talked about it before. Him and I have gone on a couple of rides together now and it never hit me till now that he tried so hard to do stuff with me because he never had a son of his own. He has 4 daughters and then me his stepson who was just blowing him off for years. I can’t believe I never realized that till today I feel like such a jerk and that I wasted all that time with him. I hope he can forgive me someday. Sorry I’m on mobile.

TL;DR Never gave step father a chance, realized today he tried so hard to have a relationship with me because he never had a son and he saw me as a son. I hope it’s not to late to fix.

Update: WOW there are so many mixed comments here some saying I’ve matured and am ready to forgive him and others that say screw him he ruined your family. He did know that my mom was married and I won’t forget what he did to my family. But that was also 10 years ago both of my parents are doing very good and I’m ready to move on from that finally. He has been a good father to his four daughters. I just never realized he’s always treated me the same way he treats them and the way my father still treats me. It’s going to be a long road but I am finally going to start opening up to him a little more, he is not my father and will never be my father. But he has always been there for me and I never cared.

r/tifu 9d ago Helpful Take My Energy

S TIFU by not knowing how to pee properly for 30+ years

2.9k Upvotes

Welp, I just found out that I have apparently been peeing incorrectly my whole life. I squeeze my pee out and the stream comes out like a pressure washer. Not because I need to, but just because I'm impatient.

Apparently, you're NOT supposed to do that, and it can cause incontinence and all sorts of problems.

Welp, it all makes sense now. I've had urinary urgency issues for most of my adult life. I pee VERY frequently, day and night, getting up to pee upwards of 6+ times per night. I did aaall the tests, including seeing a urologist, infection specialist, cystoscopy, ultrasound, diabetes tests (including insipidous), bacterial cultures, yeast... and it all came back normal.

I'll be pissed if my power washer piss caused permanent damage to my urinary tract and/or pelvic muscles. Gonna talk to the doctor tomorrow.

According to Yale Medicine urologist Dr Joseph Brito, you shouldn’t have to squeeze urine out. A healthy bladder works best when the pelvic floor muscles are somewhat relaxed. You should also not be using your abdominal muscles to force urine out, as you would with a bowel movement.

Someone who routinely forces urine out will start developing a stop/start flow pattern because the pelvic floor muscles become confused about what they should be doing when your brain signals for you to urinate.

If you already have a tight pelvic floor, this could place even more strain on the muscles and lead to conditions such as pain and urge incontinence.

TL;DR: I've been squeezing/pushing my pee out my whole life, and that can cause incontinence issues. Edit: and ruptured blood vessels and cancer?! Guys you're freaking me out

r/tifu 21d ago hehehehe I'm Deceased Facepalm Fuck Up Award 100 Percent FU All-Seeing Upvote

S TIFU by showing my friend their doppelganger.

27.5k Upvotes

I was on the tube on the way to see some friends in North London. Whilst looking around on the tube to pass the time, I noticed someone a few seats down that looked remarkably similar to an old friend of mine who I hadn't spoken to or seen for a while, although this person was a lot rougher round the edges and about 20kg heavier than my friend is.

As the resemblance was uncanny, I decided to sneak a quick photo of the person to send to my friend. When I got out of the tube and regained service on my phone, I sent them a message with the photo with the caption "this guy looks just like you if you packed on some pounds'.

The message was opened almost immediately...

No reply for a few minutes...

"That is me OP..."

I haven't been able to respond yet, I'm too embarrassed. I feel truly awful about it though. Serves me right for being a bit of a twat.

TL;DR took a photo of someone on the train I thought looked like a fat version of a friend I hadn't seen in a while, sent it to my friend and it turned out to be them.

r/tifu 8d ago

S TIFU by joking with my wife.

8.7k Upvotes

This happened a few years ago. My wife is pretty crafty, always making picture montages and stuff like that. One day she made a pretty cool looking shadow box, and inside of it says something like "the best dates in our lives", and has four dates. The dates are our anniversary, and the kids birth dates. I didn't realize it, but here's the FU... I jokingly said "what about April 16, 2003?", I literally just threw out a random date. She asked what that date was, and I just said "think about it, you'll figure it out." A couple days later she asked me again, and my daughter was in the room. I said "you haven't figured it out?!". My daughter quicky caught on that I was just messing with wife, and she agreed that it will come to her why that date is important. A couple of days went by again, and wife has the shadow box on her desk about to take it apart. She was crying because she just couldn't figure out why that date was so important that me and my daughter had known about it. We felt really bad and fessed up that it was just a random date and we were messing with her. So now every April 16th, we have a little celebration for absolutely nothing.

TLDR: Threw out a random date telling wife it was important to our family, she couldn't figure out why and cried a lot.

r/tifu 1d ago

S TIFU by interrupting my brothers alone time

2.3k Upvotes

My brother (25m) is currently living with me (23f) because he’s going through a bad breakup and things just aren’t great for him at the moment, so I told him he can crash with me. Things have been going great! Until today at lunch time. I usually go home for lunch because my work is like 30 secs away from my house. I got home and opened the door (the front door opens right into the living room) to my brother doing the ahem on the couch with a toy. On the brand new couch! I made eye contact with things I shouldn’t have and immediately screamed sorry and shut the door. I waited outside until he opened the door letting me know it was safe to come in. I don’t know why he was home at that time but we had a very awkward lunch, no eye contact was made whatsoever. I think I need therapy after that.

Tl;dr walked in on my brother doing some self love and now I need to burn my eyes

r/tifu 18d ago

S TIFU by asking my gf who she's texting

4.1k Upvotes

I (23M) and my gf (23F) are travelling right now, and are staying at a (relatively) shady area cuz it's cheaper.

While we were heading back to our hotel, I saw her texting someone, and asked her who she's texting. She told me she's texting her mom, and I know her mom is named as "queen 💛" on her phone, but the person she was texting did not have a yellow heart. I didn't really care who she's texting, but I didn't understand why she lied so I said "you must think I'm pretty stupid, so what is it?" Didn't mean to be accusatory tho, just wanted to ask.

She went silent for 2 mins, then suddenly started walking really fast in the dark. I asked her what's wrong and she refused to answer me. Now, she has no money and no sim card (I shared hotspot and we kept our money together, even tho some of it is hers), so I had to run to catch up since we were in an unfamiliar place.

She didn't respond at all until we got back to where we were staying, when she suddenly started packing her belongings. She then tried to leave the place, and I had to stop her because it was dark out and if I lost her I wouldn't know how tf to find her, not to mention that I didn't know how safe the area was at night. After 20 mins of me trying to stop her from doing stupid stuff and leaving, she suddenly started crying and said "it all starts like this, we're going to break up because you don't trust me."

So then now i had to go comfort HER and assure her I'm not going to break up. I am now 100% sure I will break up with her though, not cuz she was texting whoever (I still don't know), but because I can't deal with someone like this. I still have 6 days of vacation left with her though...

Tldr asked my gf who she's texting while travelling and she started packing her stuff and tried to leave in the middle of the night

Edit: I know how sus this sounds because I don't really get it either. I legit have not left any information out, the rest of our trip so far was fine, apart from that we argued for a bit over some lazy planning of the trip on my part. I'm not an insecure person, the topic of cheating has literally never come up in our discussions

Edit 2: I wrote this after she slept and thought I'd check the comments and write an update. I don't really care if she's cheating or not, that's something I feel like I don't need to find out. I am breaking up with her, but the only reason is because I really cannot have someone threaten me with their own safety... I really wouldn't know what to do if she left in a foreign country in the middle of the night and I had no way of finding her... would probably end up calling the cops and/or feel really guilty if anything happened to her. I really don't wanna break up with her during our trip though....

r/tifu Dec 23 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome

S TIFU being a supportive brother

18.3k Upvotes

A year ago my sister created an account on a popular porn platform. You might know the name of the site. It rhymes with holy cans. My sister was planning to keep it a secret from the people close to her, but that became impossible when her content on holy cans became popular. I don't know who broke the news to our parents, but at some point my mom and dad invited me to a family meeting to discuss the situation.

I was literally the only person at the family meeting who had my sister's back. I was also high at the time. My parents wanted my sister to stop producing porn and get a "real job." Our siblings agreed. My sister did her best to explain her side, but she didn't stand a chance against the whole family. I stood up and shared my opinion. The weed was doing most of the talking btw.

I remember saying something like "A, this is none of our business. B, speaking of business, porn IS a real job for a lot of people, DAD. She (my sister) is an adult who chose to put a price tag on her body and it seems to be working out for her. Less shaming. More understanding." My sister hugged me afterwards and said thank you. My little speech did nothing to change how the rest of the family was feeling though. Everyone left upset.

My sister eventually deleted her holy cans page and allowed Jesus into her life. She asked our parents and our siblings to forgive for her unwillingness to listen to them when she was living in sin. However, she called me the Devil's puppet because I encouraged her to infect others with her sinfulness. That was less than a week ago. I think she's blocked me since then. I'm no longer looking forward to Christmas with the family this year.

TL:DR I supported my sister doing porn when our whole family shamed her for it. Then she fell in love with Jesus, quit porn, forgave my family, and blamed me for working with the dark lord to encourage her to do porn. The fuck.

r/tifu 21d ago

S TIFU by responding to a NOT anonymous survey from my child’s daycare

5.5k Upvotes

My 3 yr old just switched daycares to this large center and the vibe from the admin staff is off. They all seem so uninterested in the parents and never really even say good morning. Especially the director, who is the boss of everyone there. She looks like it pains her to smile. Think Mrs. Trunchbull from Matilda. It always gives me an uncomfortable feeling like they’re acting like they’re doing me a favor by letting us go there when, in reality, we pay 2600/mo for my two toddlers to attend. Now, I’m known for being sensitive to people’s attitude so I told my husband and he said he felt the same. He agreed that most of the admin staff at the front desk seemed like someone has pissed in their Cheerios. Why work at a kid’s daycare if you’re going to be a grumpy F?

Anyway… I think I fucked up and now I’m to the point of considering leaving. We got a survey about the center and what we think and I, moronically, thought it was private. I said what I felt about the staff and called the director out specifically. It wasn’t private. The director emailed me back with this weird apologetic email saying how she’s sorry I feel that way about her and the staff and her goal is to have a family like environment. I was mortified. Now, I feel so awkward whenever I go in there and nothing has changed, but now I feel like they all know and hate me.

I don’t know what to do. This is so awkward.

TL;DR I replied to what I thought was an anonymous survey from my kid’s daycare saying I felt the admin staff, and specifically the director, were cold and unfriendly and the director got my email and replied to me and now everything is weird.

r/tifu 17d ago

S TIFU by implying honesty from my girlfriend

5.6k Upvotes

So, on Christmas Eve morning we were both up early, she was about to go do some last minute shopping. We had a mutual couple that we were friends with. They broke up, and I reply back with, “well maybe if they would have been honest with their partner, maybe that wouldn’t have been a thing”. I guess she thought this was me tipping my cap that I know something that I didn’t. She looks at me with a lot of deep sadness and sincerity and says “yeah, I guess you’re right… I’m sorry”. At this point I’m like, yeah right ok whatever. She then responds, “no, I’m tired of lying, I’ve been seeing this person online for the last year and a half”. At this moment I am in utter disbelief. She proceeds to tell me everything. I’ll spare the details for anonymity’s sake. But I am laying on my sisters couch currently at 1am. I have an apartment I will be moving into within the next 2 weeks. It’s been rough. We’ve talked since then, as we have a child together. I see my little girl everyday. There’s no chance of reconciliation because this isn’t the first second or third time it’s happened on her end.

But it will be the last.

TL;DR TIFU by implying her honesty and making a joke when she thought I found her out.

UPDATE: I didn’t think I’d get this much love. Thanks redditors! Yes I’m sure the child is mine, there was a paternity test. Keep in mind, her best friend had died around the time this last affair started. She also refused to go to therapy because “it doesn’t work for her”. So no medication for depression or anything. But she’s curated a perfect online persona that allows her to mask her flaws so everyone only sees what she wants them to see. This isn’t to disrespect her but it is who she is, and she has states as such. I get along with her at this point so I can see my daughter and she hasn’t broken or sold any of my possessions so I’m happy there too. I know this could be worse but I just thought she was my soulmate.

UPDATE 2: she claims it’s only an online thing and is for her mental stimulation. someone mentioned the polyamory thing, she tried to also get me onboard with this. Citing I could do the same, maybe I’m old fashioned but I find the old couple together forever cute. I wanted that for us. Not a group.

UPDATE 3: so last night I come by after work to spend a little time with my daughter, help her with homework, etc, right? Her mom asks me what my game plan was for the night, I tell her I’ve really got to go and find some documents for work that I seem to have misplaced, but I can come back if she would like to talk about the separation and make heads or tails of the entire thing, like what I’m taking when I move, etc. (so she is aware I’m coming back over.) it’s about an hour and a half later and I go back by, and I knock and then proceed to walk into the house and she is video chatting this guy, having phone sex. 🤣🤣🤣 I couldn’t do anything but laugh and turn around and say ‘whoops, hope it works out for ya’. I then proceed to leave. Thanks everyone for the advice, the karma and everything else. This situation has been an eye opening one and a learning experience. I am taking this one day at a time. Thanks again.

r/tifu 4d ago

S TIFU by walking in on my parents doing the freaky and having my dad get mad at me for interrupting him

2.1k Upvotes

I (21f) still live at home since I’m in college, so it’s just me and my parents. My very..expressive parents. Anyway, we have a sunroom off of the living room in our house where we keep our shoes and things. I was just enjoying my night, getting ready to go get food with a friend, when I heard a gasp from somewhere in the house. I know, I should have minded my own business but alas, I am a curious creature! I would totally be the first one to die in a horror film. I didn’t know where my parents were and the house was strangely quiet. It was already suspicious, but I had to finish my quest. I shouldn’t have. I walked into the sunroom to the wonderful sight of my parents going at it like a couple of teenagers, one of them being named randy. On the couch. That I sometimes sleep on. My mom yelled “don’t look!” Like I already hadn’t seen them trying to make me a sibling. I screamed sorry and quickly made my escape to think about my life choices.

This morning when I saw my parents, my dad looked me in my optic nerves and said “ I can’t believe you interrupted us last night” like I meant to walk in on them! He’s been grumpy ever since, I feel a little bad

Tl;dr I inadvertently walked in on my parents getting freaky and made my dad mad because I cockblocked him

Edit- the gasp that I heard didn’t sound like a sex gasp, more like a surprised/ unhappy one 😂 so obviously I wasn’t expecting them to be getting down and that’s why I checked 😬

r/tifu 12d ago

S TIFU by causing my girlfriends cat to have existential crisis

4.1k Upvotes

Today we were watching YouTube.

We decided to watch a video of the cat island in Japan. One of the cats in the video meowed which caused my GFs cat to immediately look at the TV, and thus see another cat.

It ran over and started meowing like crazy watching the cats on TV.

I felt bad because it’s an indoor cat and doesn’t have any other cats around, so I switched to a bird video to entertain it.

meowing intensifies

After about 15 min of this we turned the TV off went to the dining table to eat dinner.

As we were eating, the cat was standing in front of the blank TV, meowing and trying to get up onto the TV stand. Not sure if it wants us to turn it back on, or if it’s sad because it doesn’t have any cats to hang out with. Judging by the sound of the meows, it sounds like the later.

TL;DR watched a cat video on YouTube. Now my GFs cat has an existential crisis/potential YouTube addiction.

EDIT:

I know we should get a second cat. There’s a few problems:

  1. the cat is really old (15) not sure if that would stress him out in his old age.
  2. the cat lives with my GFs mom. And she doesn’t want another cat.
  3. our landlord doesn’t allow pets, so we can’t bring him to our place and get another cat.

He is well loved and gets lots of attention though. I’m currently saving for a down payment so I can actually buy a place (hopefully by end of 2023). We might be able to get a second cat at that point.

r/tifu 3d ago

S TIFU by rating my own orgasm

2.0k Upvotes

So I've been trying to take better stock of my life and mental health lately, and one idea I had was to start journalling, but with a specific intention in mind. I would divide my life up into categories, such as work, mental health, physical health, social life, etc, and I would give them a score out of 10. The plan was to see if I noticed any trends, like days where I felt particularly good/bad, were there any consistent high/low scores?

I became quite methodical about this process and always considering new categories. It was when I commenced a solo trip to pleasure town about three weeks ago that an insidious thought entered my mind:

"Hey, why don't you rate your orgasm out of 10 when it happens?"

I considered it for about a minute, still tugging away, then thought, "Nah, that's too weird, bro. What will the good people of Reddit think of me then?" And then I stopped thinking about it.

Except that I didn't. Seconds before I started to orgasm, I couldn't help but give it a number.

"Oh, this is feeling like it's gonna be an 8...definitely an 8...hmm, well, actually more like a 5, to be honest..."

Overthinking during arguably the most crucial part of a male's masturbation session had led to me ruining my own orgasm. Turns out maths isn't the biggest aphrodesiac.

But it was fine, life goes on, all of that. And then I stopped thinking about it.

Except that I didn't. Two days later, when I was shaking hands with the milkman, I got to the orgasm and then my brain kicked in:

"It's gonna be a 7.5, for sure, bro."

It was a 5, tops.

And that's been the trend, literally every single time I've entered hand to gland combat and about to be declared the victor, my nerdy-ass brain ruins the ceremony. Literally every single time.

TL;DR - temporarily considered the idea of giving my orgasms a score out of 10. Now I can't stop doing it and it's making me ruin every orgasm I have.

r/tifu Dec 31 '22 Wholesome

S TIFU by not understanding the male anatomy

9.9k Upvotes

TIFU by completely misunderstanding male anatomy

This happened to me (25F) yesterday. My male partner had made some kind of movement to put his little hanging friends in a bad position. After making some loud noises and readjusting he said something along the lines of: "you'd think I'd know how the handle them they've been hanging for 30 years"

Well me, thinking I was very clever, said "well, only really since high school. When did yours drop?" He burst out laughing and I still didn't understand because I had always heard of it being referred to as a males ball's dropping.

FYI that does not happen, and apparently men find the idea of them just popping out one day hilarious. I suddenly sympathise with the men who don't understand periods.

I got about 5 minutes of straight laughter and am sure he will bring this up many times in the years to come.

TL:DR - I thought men's testicles were inside the body and dropped out during puberty, they don't.

r/tifu Dec 16 '22 Silver Helpful Press F Today I Learned

S TIFU by accidentally buying two Google Pixels and ended up getting my 15 year old Google Account permanently banned.

18.5k Upvotes

So early Black Friday sales happened last month and I picked up a Google Pixel 7 since my previous phone was nearing 6 years old and starting to die every few hours.

Due to some funky error, whether I accidentally put two phones in the cart, I don't know or remember. I ended up getting double charged and realized I got shipped two phones.

I contacted Google Support to start a return for a refund on one of them, and the first support person was great... up until the next dozen support staff throughout this stupid journey.

Turns out that the package I shipped back to them never made it back. I spoke with support and I got the most generic responses ever from a person that doesn't speak English (once they stopped making generic replies, it was quite evident).

They escalated the problem to a supervisor. The supervisor told me that they would do an investigation, would take about a week.

Beginning of this week, investigation ended. They say the package was indeed most likely lost but the representative I spoke to said I could just chargeback with my credit card. So I did.

Today, my Google account was banned. 15 years of history gone.

I went on the support chat for the umpteenth time and they told me because I did a chargeback, the rules are that my account will be banned. I asked why they suggest for me to do a chargeback, when they could have just refunded themselves, and they said the support I spoke to should never have suggested it but rules are rules.

Been trying to fight this but looks like Google support is utter trash. After looking online, it seems like this is their most stupidest policy, and it exists across most other platforms too.

What a shitshow.

TLDR: Bought two phones by accident, returned one of them, package was lost and a representative told me to do a chargeback if I wanted my money back. Did that, Google account got banned. I asked very politely to get it unbanned because it was their advice to do that, they told me to go pound sand.

r/tifu Dec 20 '22

S TIFU by talking to Neil Patrick Harris.

19.3k Upvotes

My kids are off school for the holidays, so I took them to the local trampoline park today. When we got there, I looked around and notice a familiar face. I look a little closer and I realize it's Neil Patrick Harris there with one of his kids! We live near Los Angeles, so it's not uncommon to spot a celeb. In fact, I've seen NPH out and about once before. I went over to him, excited to tell him how much our family recently enjoyed 8 Bit Christmas (good movie, BTW. Worth a watch for 80s/90s kids).

"Hey, are you Neil Patrick Harris?!" I ask?

He smiles. "No, but I get that a lot. I am an actor though."

Me, disappointed and assuming he's in community theater or something, "Oh really? What have you been in?"

Him politely, "Well, uh...I've been Iceman in all of the X-Men movies."

Immediately I realized that the reason he looked familiar was because he is Shawn Ashmore. He does, indeed, play Iceman in the X-Men franchise and is also Lamplighter in The Boys.

So I pretty much made an ass of myself. To his credit, he was extremely cool about it. Seemed like a genuinely nice guy. But lesson learned I probably won't try to talk to celebrities any more.

TL;DR: I introduced myself to Neil Patrick Harris only to discover that it was, in fact, a different famous actor and I looked like an idiot.

r/tifu 2d ago

S TIFU by making a dumb comment on my gyms feedback survey.

770 Upvotes

So it was a few days ago and i was at the gym the other day, and I frequently see this one cute worker who likes to talk with me, and at least to me, it seems like she's being a little, flirty. well heres the fuck up, my dumb ass saw the feedback survey and assumed she would be the one reading them that night so I wrote something in the section "where can we improve" and wrote something along the lines of "if the cute girl gave me her number" well today I get a call from the manager there saying "I would like you to call me back and discuss the comment you made" I'm guessing I'm going to be banned for some kinda sexual harassment or some shit? Is there anything I can do at this point?

TL;DR tried flirting with a worker through the feedback survey and probably getting banned now