r/tifu • u/Taika_Jameson • 9d ago
TIFU by asking my boyfriend (M28) if he is buff yet. S
My boyfriend who is very overweight started working out 2 weeks ago. I've been away celebrating Chinese New Year with my relatives for about a week, and I kept getting snide comments about my boyfriend's appearance and how I could do better the whole time I was with them, which is why my boyfriend's health was on my mind.
I just got back from my hometown. I'm going to visit his family later, so I called him up to confirm the plans and jokingly asked if he had suddenly became more buff in the one week I hadn't seen him. He got really upset and said he hated the fact that I'm putting so much pressure on him when he only just started exercising. I tried to apologize and explain that I didn't mean to pressure him, but was worried that I would hurt his feelings more so I was silent for a bit thinking what to say. He hung up after I apologized, but he was clearly still upset about it.
I have to go to his house later, and I'm not sure what to do now, things feel so awkward.
TL; DR: I hurt my boyfriend's feelings by indirectly calling him fat.
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u/ShhhHesWatchingUs 9d ago
Go over his place a bit earlier, talk to him one on one in the front yard or somewhere away from family, and explain the situation. Hopefully, you defended your relationship to your nosy relatives cause you're obviously with him for more than just physical attraction.
Back him, tell him you support him (as long as you actually do), and dont want to pressure him. Ask him what you can do to make this lifestyle transition easier for him.
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u/Taika_Jameson 9d ago
Yeah, that's what I ended up doing. He forgave me on the condition that I don't bring up any issues about with his weight loss process.
I've actually been defending him since the day my relatives found out we were dating, and I've called them out for being shallow and mean for a plenty of times. It's honestly getting pretty tiring because it's been a year and they still can't stop commenting about his weight. They even tried introducing me to other guys after getting me drunk in hopes that I will get someone "more on my level".
I honestly want to cut them off because it's very tiring and starting to get into my head, but I can't because of Chinese culture, (gotta be respectful to your elders and put them first, all that kinda bs)
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u/Siorsali 9d ago
I can kind of relate to your boyfriend when it comes to the Chinese family negging you all the time. My ex was Chinese too and I’m plus size. He didn’t care at first and was happy to be together, but over time his parents (who never even met me, or carried a conversation with me) dragged his opinion down slowly.
It started off innocent enough with him offering to cook instead of going out so we’d eat healthier. I was okay with that. Then he started gradually increasing our physical activity, I was ok with that too. If he would have just said he wanted to become healthier together, I’d have been fine with that!
It really came to a head when he admitted that his parents didn’t want him dating me because of my appearance, my socio-economic status, and the fact that I had kids. They straight forbade him communicating with me during the pandemic and they were at his house (they didn’t live with him normally) to enforce it until the travel ban lifted. I was crushed.
It ate away at my self esteem, and I started hating looking in the mirror. I can say I truly hated looking at myself. The instant they left his house, he was in his car and knocking on my door. But, honestly, my heart just hurt and I tried so hard to pretend I was just happy to see him.
We only lasted another year because when I decided to really take care of the weight, he reacted negatively. I mean, total resistance. Even though it came out that he wasn’t physically attracted to me, he resisted the change. We’ve been broken up for about two years now, and honestly he’s the person I’ve loved the most in my entire life, but I’ve always felt simply tolerated by my partners because of my weight.
Being heavy is hard enough when you’re trying to fix it without being constantly condemned for it. And if you’re wondering, I’ve lost a bit over 100 pounds and part of me just aches for having to let him go to do this, even though it was for the best. Good for you for defending him, though! I wish mine had!
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u/EricMBordner 8d ago
Great job losing a hundred pounds. That is not easy and took discipline and hard work
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u/Siorsali 8d ago
Thank you! I feel better but the lasting effects of the relationship are still present 😩. My self esteem hasn’t recovered. It makes it worse because I absolutely adored him.
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u/Dominus_Redditi 8d ago
It gets better with time. You’ll never forget how you feel, but the longer it is the less you’ll dwell on it. Occasionally a wave may crash on you, but just remember the sun is still shining when you come back up above the water.
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u/Siorsali 8d ago
Remembering that gets me through the day sometimes. Thank you.
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u/alice_op 8d ago
Honestly, darling, imagine still being in a relationship with a grown man who let his mummy and daddy tell him who he could speak to or not.
Even if he loved you with all his heart, that boi ain't worth shit.
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u/Beelzebubs_Tits 8d ago
Exactly. I know love is blind but, how wonderful is someone who is a weak-minded fool like that to treat their partner that way? If you come from a shallow family you need to defend them or go NC.
I say this coming from a Brazilian background. Terribly looks-oriented culture.
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u/Emma_Lemma_108 8d ago
I've found that it's helpful to separate the love from the person. You loved him, but he behaved badly and you deserve better treatment. He was easily manipulated by family, took out his insecurities on you, and manipulated you instead of being an honest and open partner.
Love is powerful, but it's just a feeling. His opinions and his family's opinions were wrong and based on outdated cultural norms.
Also, fun fact, but throughout early Chinese history (pre-Han), plus-size = desirable and skinny = not worthwhile. Hence the reference in the OG Mulan movie where the matchmaker was like, "too skinny...not good for bearing sons." You will survive the Winter with us. His bloodline shall surely freeze. You are the alpha, clearly.
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u/hal0t 8d ago
I know you want to give her compliment and encouragement but come on, Chinese plus size is not American plus size. Us Asian plus size is American medium at most lol.
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u/bigtoebrah 8d ago
I'm sure you were beautiful 100 pounds ago and you're still beautiful now. Keep your head up and try not to let it nag at you. Someone else's hangups don't define you to the rest of the world.
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u/morosis1982 8d ago
You know it's funny that we read a story about someone feeling good in their skin, then they start getting fit and losing a bunch of weight and it's the weight we congrats them on.
I mean I get it, it's a tangible thing with a number we can attach to it and say 'thats great', but in my experience the real benefits are what comes with the drive to get fit and strong and healthy. The lost weight is almost a side benefit, in my eyes.
People come in all shapes and sizes, but you can tell when someone has put effort in to look after their body and it's a great thing. Rather than congrats for lost pounds I wish many happy miles of running, or climbing mountains, or whatever it is you want to do with that new found strength.
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u/StrikerSashi 8d ago
You have a point but if someone could lose 100lb, they were at a weight where there was potential for serious health issues. I don't think it's a problem to congratulate them for reducing that risk.
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u/SB_Wife 8d ago
As someone with a history of eating disorders, it can be upsetting if the focus is on my weight. My weight isn't the thing that is on my mind, and I'm not necessarily proud of gaining or losing. I'm proud of working out, or of eating at all. The focus on the weight is, while admittedly the most visible, isn't necessarily the goal.
For me at least, when the focus is on my weight, it negates the hard work of making sure I've eaten a proper meal, or moved my body, or even gotten enough rest.
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u/UnKaveh 8d ago
I'm kind of confused. Why did he resist you when you tried to take care of the weight?
If he didn't like it why wouldn't he want you to remove it? Did he just want you two to be miserable together?
Either way, congrats on the changes. That's no easy feat.
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u/Siorsali 8d ago
You know, I don’t know. He was very immature emotionally. I think it’s because I really wanted a future together and he used the weight as a means of keeping an emotional distance and a “reason” to not progress forward.
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u/Tsubodai86 8d ago edited 8d ago
There's no way a man who lets his parents decide his romantic life would be immature emotionally. Surely.
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u/Siorsali 8d ago
😂 Rose colored glasses just make the red flags look like flags 😂
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u/jsgoyburu 8d ago
Is that a common saying? Because it's great
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u/HatRabies 8d ago
I heard it first on Bojack Horseman! No clue where it originated. Love it though.
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u/reclusivegiraffe 8d ago
Yeah, like a starter girlfriend, someone to keep around until he finds who he really wants. Making you feel unlovable by others to keep you around is an abuse tactic — I’m glad you’re away from him. You will meet someone who is wonderful and loves you for you, and even though you won’t ever forget about your ex, you’ll one day be able to say that you’ve loved a different man for most of your life.
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u/Siorsali 8d ago
That seems to be the sort that I attract. I’m usually the placeholder and the instant I stand up for myself and leave, they find their wife. I’m pan, so that goes for girlfriends too.
YEESH.
This is why I’m working so hard on myself. I don’t deserve this crap.
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u/reclusivegiraffe 8d ago
That’s so shitty, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you recognize it, at least — good on you for knowing your worth.
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u/Mindthegaptooth 8d ago
You just described the issue. You need to bring in your true nature right from the beginning. You said they leave the instant you stand up for yourself. If you start knowing someone and they see you stand up for yourself in actions and words right from the beginning then they know you, not a watered down version of you. Some people will be put off but good, now you know they wouldn’t stick around and you haven’t wasted time being overly agreeable and compliant.
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u/SephoraRothschild 8d ago
It's like you were his "beard". A "valid reason" to get people off his back about not being married or marrying anyone else, but as soon as you started getting it together, he noped out because he still didn't want to be married.
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u/ayetherestherub69 8d ago
Although you were most likely beautiful before losing the weight, I commend your dedication to your health and such. As a big guy who works out often, I know how easy it is to fall into the cycle of never being satisfied and always looking at those better than you online. You're doin great, and don't forget how far you've come!
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u/ShhhHesWatchingUs 9d ago
Nah, i get the overbearing relative stuff. Always want the best for their blood, but your happiness needs more than senior family approval.
Good to hear you're backing him, and your relationship with him. Should be proud he's trying to get in better shape for you (and his own helath ofc). Just be supportive. There are gonna be days where he falls over and creeps into bad habits, but pick him up, and get him back on track in a way you know won't sound judgemental.
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u/monsooncloudburst 8d ago
Man, older chinese relatives can be so vicious. So many ppl in Singapore hate having to go for reunion meals over CNY because of this. Nothing but comparisons and snide remarks and insults. How did it come to this?
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u/Doortofreeside 9d ago
As a white person who married into a Chinese family it blows my mind how much relatives will say shit to your face.
"Eh you got fat!" While poking my belly
Or "oh you lost weight" while squeezing my bicep.
I used it as motivation at a certain point since i knew we'd have a get together when my son turned 1 month old so I figured I might as well get as jacked (I'm using that term in a very relative sense here haha) as possible since I know they'll tell me about it either way
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u/slavnar95 8d ago
Different culture. I remember twenty years ago my girlfriend at that time and myself would frequent a chinese place. I had put on some weight and the chinese guy running the place, who was super nice, gave me free green tea because it "Help you lose belly fat."
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u/aquarianfantasy 8d ago edited 8d ago
I think it’s common in a lot of Asian cultures. My freshman year of college I became good friends with a Korean exchange student. She told me about an exchange she had with another American friend. She greeted the friend and commented to them “hi, how are you? you look like you gained weight!”
Her friend became very upset and offended and my friend did not understand why. She knew she had made a social faux pas and asked me what the problem was. I explained to her in American culture, it was rude to comment on someone’s weight or appearance in that way, and that making comments about someone’s weight (especially gain) is considered offensive and uncomplimentary. She explained she meant no offense and it was common to comment on someone’s appearance, particularly weight, and comment if they look like they gained or lost when you greet someone. But she understood immediately and never did it again with American friends, and said she would stick to complimenting people on their shoes or outfit.
I’m Mexican, and I think it’s pretty common to comment on peoples weight for us as well. I’m pretty slim and every time I see family members they always ask if I lost weight (even if I gained or stayed the same) and tell me I need to eat more 🥴 while my cousins who are bigger than me always get ask if they gained weight and told they need to lose a bit of weight 😐 there’s no winning unfortunately
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u/TheBrightLord 8d ago
I'm of Indian descent. I was a chubbier kid but lost weight/at least changed proportions after going into college. I'm still not sure what the weight difference was, because according to the scale it's not that different but I suspect my scale growing up was busted/underreporting but I digress.
At a community event I saw an "auntie" (in the Asian sense) after several years. She looked at me and immediately went "Ayyo! You've lost your baby weight!"
My mom gave me this look over her shoulder and I was trying so hard not to laugh. Just went "yes aunty, I'm walking a lot."
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u/GetBuggered 8d ago
Yeah, I'm married to a Chinese woman and when on video chat with her family, she will translate what her mom says. I'm a slim build, and inevitably one of the first few comments that gets translated is "oh it looks like you lost weight", or sometimes encouragingly "oh it looks like you gained a few pounds"
Lol can we please just talk about the weather?
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u/uly4n0v 8d ago
Don’t mean to be a dick but it seems super weird to me to be that invested in the appearance of your kid’s SO. I don’t have kids and most likely never will but if I did, I would be worried if their partner treated them poorly but they could date the most disgusting, horse-faced, fugly people they could find and I wouldn’t give a damn as long as they’re being treated with love and respect.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_ART_PLZ 8d ago
I mean, you don't have to be respectful to your family if you don't want to be. If they aren't a positive influence in your life you are allowed to cut them out. I can understand that it might be difficult and you might need them for support, but don't just write off the possibility of being independent.
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u/blobcat123 8d ago
I have indian parents and an Indian sister. We all live in the US.
I moved out and went low to no contact with them. My mom still texts me very frequently or tries to call me and leaves voicemails claiming to be worried and that she just wants to say hi.
I ignore but mark as read. I'm holding firm to my boundaries instead of breaking them to inform her that I want space.
It feels really good, and I urge you to try the same because it can be done. I'm doing it because my family literally bullies me whenever I come around. They take turns bringing up something I've done in the past, and using it to poke fun or tease, and if I retort, they get pissed and try to fight about it.
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u/vialenae 8d ago
Hol’up, they are introducing you to other guys after getting you drunk? That’s… concerning. I’m not from that culture and know nothing about it, so I’ll refrain saying something else in case I am being offensive but stay safe!
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u/psychocopter 8d ago
Nah, its fucked up. I dont care about the culture, trying to get your child drunk so they cheat on their significant other because you dont like their appearance is a piece of shit move.
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u/DarkRoseXoX 8d ago
Fuck Chinese culture, this is why I don't want to reveal who I am dating to anyone in my family.
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u/astralmushrooms 8d ago
My cousin was still being introduced to suitors after 10 years with the same 'inappropriate' guy. She got pregnant and everyone shut up tho.
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u/HumanStruggle8295 9d ago
They even tried introducing me to other guys after getting me drunk in hopes that I will get someone "more on my level".
Always a great feeling when your family try to get you raped.
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u/niels1232 9d ago
If these were my relatives doing this to my partner, I would've stopped talking to my relatives regardless of qnything else. Just be supportive for him (also try not to eat any unhealthy foods or suggest eating those) and he'll be healthy soon
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u/Doortofreeside 9d ago
Please, chinese people, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sure seems that relatives bluntly commenting on your and everyone else's appearance is part of the culture.
I've been in the worst shape of my life and the best shape of my life since marrying into the family and I definitely heard it from many relatives both times
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u/ThatSlothDuke 8d ago
I agree. I'm part of a culture like that. Maybe not as intense but still respecting elders, elders body shaming people is extremely common and part of the norm.
But if they made a comment about my partner, I would lose my shit. If they do it again, I would stop talking to them.
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u/vorticon_mafia 9d ago
Dude. This one stings to read.
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8d ago •
Why? Are you not buff yet?
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u/thunderbrot 8d ago
He got buff in under a week, his squats are so deep they named him the next great philosopher
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u/whatisscoobydone 8d ago
Funny you say that because "Plato" is literally a nickname for "broad chest" because he was a wrestler
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u/UrMomsaHoeHoeHoe 8d ago
Makes sense, as a wrestler back in school I never thought about my life choices more than when getting absolutely destroyed on the mat.
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u/dasus 8d ago
Most philosophers believed "healthy body, healthy mind", to simplify the matter.
Socrates has said that no man should go to his grave without seeing what his body can do/be or something to that extent.
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u/Logically_Insane 8d ago
Tangent, Da Vinci had a party trick where he would bend an iron horseshoe with his hands.
I think it’s funny we imagine him as an old guy when by all accounts he was a total Chad
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u/Telumire 8d ago
It's worth noting that iron horseshoe were nowhere has hard than what we have now (it would be impossible to do nowadays)
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u/CyberneticPanda 8d ago
This is a parlor trick that bodybuilders still do today, and I bet DaVinci figured out the gag. They file a little notch in the shoe ahead of time so it will bend at the notch. It's still hard to do it but not impossible, and you can tell they cheated because it only bends in 1 spot.
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u/DolorisRex 8d ago
“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”
-Socrates
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u/Content-Instance6358 8d ago
Bring some flowers to the visit as a token of your regret.
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u/daverave1212 8d ago
No dad I'm 12
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u/i_despise_among_us 8d ago
TALK TO ME WHEN YOU BUFF
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u/Shady_Lines 8d ago
WELL I BEAT LEVEL 12 ON WRESTLEMANIA N64 ARE YOU PROUD YET roid rage breaks N64 rumble pak
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u/vorticon_mafia 8d ago
Worse. I was hella buff and then the military busted my back and now I can’t squat humans for fun on a drunk evening out
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u/Shady_Lines 8d ago
can't squat humans for fun
So now you can only drunk squat humans purely out of a sense of obligation? Sorry to hear that 😕
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u/Whatwhatthrow1212 8d ago
You have to put effort into breaking generational issues, or else you just repeat them
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u/maplewrx 8d ago
You're not the only one with a passive aggressive Chinese family culture. I feel your pain.
Movie on from the fuck up and vow to do better.
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u/TurbulentTomahto 8d ago
So the advice on how to fix this has been pretty solid, so I won't comment on that.
But what I haven't seen is anyone mentioning his comment that you keep putting pressure on him to look a certain way.
I think you should also use this as a good time to think about what you say to him. Ask him where that comment came from if you can't think of a reason why he would think that.
Maybe you aren't as supportive as you think you are and are making hurtful comments to him.
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u/amethystwyvern 8d ago
Especially if all she hears from relatives is how she can do better all the time.
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u/ZerotheWanderer 8d ago
Depends how long you guys were together and his attitude on the matter. If he was any bit at all sensitive about his weight, bad thing to say.
"I'm finally doing something about it and everyone just mocks me anyway"
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u/Tryxster 8d ago
Sounds like your fam's comments rubbed off on you so that you subconsciously felt compelled to comment on it.
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u/khamelean 9d ago
“Hey there significant other, missed you heaps, did you suddenly become attractive while I was away?”
Damn…
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u/smolperson 9d ago
Thank fuck this is TIFU and not AITA because OP knows this was fucked up.
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u/JayJayGolden 8d ago
idk man, sounds like a joke id laugh at if i was the other person. we dont know the kinda jokes op and their partner usually make with eachother
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u/King_of_nerds77 8d ago
That’s what I was thinking, this doesn’t feel like bullying, this reads like a badly timed joke that didn’t land
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u/cheeset2 8d ago
It's a joke with the context that OP had, but OP's BF didn't have that context.
Like, "Can you believe my family, jeez, is there a chance I don't have to deal with that crap anymore?"
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u/SteeveyPete 8d ago
I feel like the context kind of makes it worse honestly, it puts the blame on him for the shit she gets from her family. Just based on how she's written it, it feels like a half joke, half "I can't wait to be done with the shit I get about your weight" comment. Which would personally make me feel both very self conscious, guilty, and like a nuisance
Without the context it feels more like an absurdist joke
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u/xSARGEx117x 8d ago
I don't believe OP meant for it to sound that way at all, I really do think they were making a lighthearted joke.
Unfortunately, no matter your tone, if someone already feels a certain way, it just makes it worse. I understand how BF feels.
Can't read people's minds to know when is an appropriate time for a potentially inappropriate joke, sadly.
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u/ChangingtheSpectrum 8d ago
Dude, holy shit, yeah either I have thicker skin than I thought, or people are more sensitive than I thought. My initial reading of this was a joke, I couldn't see it as anything else. Like "yeah in two weeks I've become a bodybuilder, I'm ready to be the next Mr. Olympia."
I completely get that boyfriend is sensitive about it, and I understand that, but people are about to deconstruct OP's entire relationship over a joke about something the boyfriend unknowingly had a weak spot for.
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u/Beetin 8d ago edited 8d ago
There's also a trust and vulnerability thing with different relationships.
EG there is often a difference between your friends, your parent, and your partner making fun of specific parts of your appearance or personality. One might be laughed off as a joke, one might make you angry, one might just make you feel like shit.
It is easy to read that comment about a stranger and take it as a joke, but maybe not when it comes from the person you are most vulnerable around, when you are finally trying to better yourself after have spent decades being insulted about it and feeling unattractive and/or insecure about it, etc.
I think most of us have 'tread carefully and respectfully' things with our partner/best friend because we've only fully opened up to our partner about it. I have it about some odd habits/behaviours that my friends make fun of me about which I enjoy and participate in, but my partner knows the history and mental struggles that drive those habits and is nothing but supportive about them, and she could REALLY hurt me if she wanted by exploiting the fact that I've given her that trust.
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u/NopileosX2 8d ago
I mean her BF might have been insecure about his body and also maybe needed a lot of willpower to finally start exercising.
Maybe she was not even the first person making a comment about it. I think we all had some encounters where we made decisions to improve something about ourself and received with ironic, snarky comments from other people.
They are never really meant in bad way but can be annoying nonetheless.
A experience a lot of more introverted people share if that they did not like to interact with guesst and parents often were upset about it. But if you actually got out of your comfort zone you were greeted by "Look who also wants to join", "who left his/her cave" (no idea if you would say it english like this tried to translate from my native language.).
It is just you try to make a positive change but you get comments which make kinda a joke out of it in the moment.
These should never be a big problem and it is a bit of overreacting in retrospective but in the moment they annoy you.
I think if someone catches on to it that you did not find it funny a genuine apology is all that someone should need to move on from this.
No need to make any bigger problem out of it.
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u/coughsicle 8d ago
People absolutely say "look who came out of their cave!" In English. I never thought it was an expression in other languages too. I understand there's usually no foul intent by the person who says it, but you are absolutely correct that it provides negative reinforcement by teaching you that coming out of your room and trying to socialize gets you heckled.
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u/Crazyirishwrencher 8d ago
Nah, the reddit hivemind is totally accurate at reducing all the nuance of human conversation into simple positives/negatives... /s
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u/phoenix415 8d ago
"Yeah, sorry, it's on my mind cuz my entire family thinks you're a fat piece of shit. It's all they talk about in China."
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u/Girlmode 8d ago
I duno got to be pretty insecure to be bothered by her question.
Asking someone if they are buff yet after 2 weeks is obviously a joke and nobody expects you to be buff in two weeks.
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u/AliasFaux 8d ago
You're not wrong, but the kind of guy who is out of shape enough that his girlfriend is constantly hearing about it from her friends is out of shape enough that he has been hearing about it forever, too, that is probably pretty sensitive.
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u/acidwxlf 8d ago
Chinese relatives
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u/Semi-Pro-Lurker 8d ago
Yeah. The way I understand it, you can just have an inch too much fat around your belly and they'll be like "look how fat you got!"
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u/penguiatiator 8d ago
I'm at around 20 percent body fat at 6 feet, 205 lbs. I'm not as cut as my goal, but no one would call me fat.
My mom worries that I'm pre-diabetic and going to drop dead from a heart attack. Her favorite line is "are you even working out you just keep getting fatter and fatter". Thanks for the encouragement mom
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u/Fcktbckt 9d ago
Oof yeah, imagine if he commented on your weight
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u/TiddybraXton333 8d ago
Are you getting skinny yet?
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u/Solid-Effective-457 8d ago •
To be fair, I think there are a lot of people and situations in which this wouldn’t be taken as offensive. I think how long they’ve been together and what their sec life looks like are important. Clearly this is a sensitive topic to op’s bf and it definitely was a fuck up on op’s part, but I do understand where op was coming from. More of a 2 weeks at the gym and I haven’t seen you in a bit, I know you’ve been working hard so will I even recognise you? I do think op’s remark was out of nothing but support, but I think with bf being sensitive to it and probably not seeing much result yet, it reeeaaalllly didn’t land.
I feel bad for op because I think it was all meant in jest and out of love. Op, I think this is totally repairable, just be kind, loving, affirming, and don’t put pressure on results
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u/daydriem 8d ago
Yeah nobody has bad intentions here. OP realized that what she said hurt her partner and wants to make it right. Stuff like this happens in relationships, and if you notice your mistake and are committed to learning and fixing it, then you should be fine.
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u/cinnamonbrook 8d ago
Yeah, this is an extremely common joke. I'm fairly sure my boyfriend and I were making similar comments to each other when we started back up at the gym post-covid.
Hell I know for SURE my mum asked me if I had a record deal yet the day after my first singing lesson.
"Hehe you just started a thing, are you a pro yet?" is just such a common joke. It's more about support for a new thing than a criticism.
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u/ilikecollarbones_pm 8d ago
"dump this trash to the curb! you deserve better! get someone who loves and cares for you the way you are!"
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u/Viper1089 8d ago
I'm chinese and my gf is white. My parents have commented on her weight a handful of times, and it has hurt my gf's feelings to the point where she'll skip meals (against my advice). She's very sensitive to the subject since she gave birth to our two kids and has had trouble getting rid of the "mommy" weight. We were also in an accident that totalled both parties' cars so my gf hasn't been able to work out in the traditional sense due to injuries sustained during the accident.
It's a slow process but tread very carefully. I'm glad your bf forgave you but just be careful. Whatever snide remark from others, or which ever joke you stewed up in your brain.. they (your bf, my gf, etc) have all beaten themselves about it ten-fold.
Be kind and patient. They'll keep working at it as long as you're supportive and encouraging.
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u/Stern_Writer 8d ago
I feel like you're taking too lightly the fact that your parents are damaging your gf's self-worth.
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u/MrFilthyNeckbeard 8d ago
So many people dismiss it because “it’s their culture” “they’re just blunt” or “it’s not meant in a bad way
That doesn’t matter. It’s being received in a bad way.
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u/Disastrous-Golf7216 8d ago
Sorry this is real life and in two weeks there will be little physical changes. Unless he is working out 6 hours a day with a personal trainer it could take a couple month to physically see the changes. He will start noticing them first, like pants fitting better.
All in all it was an attempt at a stupid joke, and if he has been heavy all his life he could look at this as another insult. I would bet he has heard enough in his lifetime and really did not want to hear it from his girlfriend.
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u/ginar369 8d ago
Just say:
"I'm sorry. I was a jerk and I'm sorry."
Do not say "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." That implies that his feelings are the issue. When in fact it was you who had the issue. Just say sorry with no qualifiers.
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u/9noctyrne 8d ago
I'm an overweight boyfriend, this would absolutely crush me if my gf said this.
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u/Atze-Peng 9d ago
Nothing wrong with discussing unhealthy weight of a partner when done like adults.
But joking about it when you know it's a big insecurity for him isn't exactly a good idea. Encouragement and positive feedback can go a long way.
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u/Question_Few 9d ago
Oh man, As a gymbro I felt that. In the future never make jokes like that. Don't tell him he's getting smaller or make comments about him not being as buff or if he's going to be buff in the future.
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u/Typical-Ad-6042 8d ago
100% this. I’m in great shape, I have been for the majority of my life. I’ve never been overweight, have a pretty healthy self esteem, and I still go through bouts of struggling with body image issues.
Body dysmorphia fucking sucks. Completely irrationally deciding that I am fat, also, I am too small, also, this muscle makes this side of me looks weird are all autonomous thoughts that I have had to acknowledge and dismiss. I have taken a couple rest days, then have to convince myself that I’m not withering away, like I have to remind myself of studies about muscle mass taking weeks to disappear, rather than a couple days.
If my SO said something like that, I’d be upset. I’m not blaming OP, not am I saying they are a bad person. Most people don’t know about the body image issues that can plague gym goers. I have no idea why brains are prone to self sabotage, but they are bastards and cannot be trusted.
My heart goes out to them, and also OP, no one wants to unintentionally hurt someone they care about. In the future, just stick to positive observations in the present.
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u/Aoeletta 8d ago edited 8d ago
I honestly want to cut them off…but I can’t because of Chinese culture.
So? I came from a mixed cultural heritage that says the same and I cut off my family.
You don’t have to tolerate it. It’s more lonely and it’s harder, but it’s a choice YOU get to make.
It is harder. People casually hurt people all the time and it is expected to just accept it. When you stand up to those behaviors and ideologies, people don’t like it. People don’t like to be called out for the shitty things they say, do, and think.
But
It is much much more my style to say “NO.” than to accept further abuse.
My mom straight up abused me, I don’t know how your family is and how they make you feel in all other areas. No matter what, it is definitely up to you on how much is tolerated.
It is a choice, even through inaction.
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u/rmprice222 8d ago
Ah, I feel like after hearing about it the whole time you had some venom in your voice and it didn't really come off as joking
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u/Oriejin 8d ago
"which is why my boyfriend's health was on my mind" You mean, "they made me feel insecure about it and I took it out on him"?
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u/HiddenCity 8d ago
Exactly. She's upset everyone thinks her boyfriend is fat and it makes her look bad. Health has nothing to do with it.
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u/latenerd 9d ago
Yes you FU, but not just by being mean to your bf. You let your family get in your head.
If you're going to keep having contact with toxic people because of "culture" or "elders" or whatever, you need to be stronger than that. Otherwise these people are going to make you miserable.
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u/Trinitalien 8d ago
OP, was just reading this thread with my wife of 23 years (she's 45, I'm 50m, we've been together nearly 30 years total). There's some synchronicity between your situation and our own history. Aside from that initial TIFU, we agree you're handling things admirably, and also agree with the overall advice already given in comments.
Support him in subtle but meaningful ways. Notice effort, even if progress doesn't seem evident, and compliment him on it. DON'T give dishonest positivity -- the hoped-for benefits really don't exist, and aren't worth the loss of trust, should your well-intentioned white lie be discovered.
My wife had this insightful suggestion: join him in some sort of work-out, too. Something beneficial, noncompetitive and comfortable for you both. Jogging, hiking, a dance class, whatever fits you both, as long as it is fun and pressure-free. If you demonstrate dedication in ACTION, plus emotion and spirit, that can mean so very much.
We both feel that you two care deeply for each other. You got this, girl.
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u/djbabyears 8d ago
Nearly 30 years?! So what, 29? Wait a minute...
50 - 29 = 21
45 - 29 = 16
Hmmm...
Anyway, congrats on the long and seemingly healthy relationship! Also, great advice!
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u/Valogrid 9d ago
Yeah you fucked up. Most people that are heavier set are in fact self conscious about their appearance and continually asking about his progress within the 1st 2 weeks isn't helping. Wait about a month or 3 and start complimenting his appearance, this will help him with believing that the exercise is helping. DO NOT ASK ABOUT PROGRESS, BUFFNESS OR ANYTHING RELATED TO THE SUBJECT IT WILL BE SEEN AS PRESSURE WHETHER INTENDED OR NOT. Do better please for his sake, and quit worrying about the opinions of others, they aren't dating him so their opinions have no merit.
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u/mdotbeezy 8d ago
Easy one: just apologize. Sometimes jokes don't go well. "Hey, I'm sorry, I support you 100%"
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u/JoellamaTheLlama 8d ago
I will say, I got the sarcasm when I read it and i’m a man trying to lose weight as well.
But yeah… this is more of a joke I could use with my guy friends, not so much my SO
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u/Koshekuta 8d ago
Part of my job is actually assisting others reach their fitness goals. I have some latitude on how we get there. Generally, you don’t need to tell a “fat” person they are fat. They already know. We always focus on what we are going to do about it.
With that said, I grew up in a tough love environment. Some families do indeed eat their young BUT we love each other dearly. We make fun of other each and it comes from a place of love that others might not understand.
I don’t know this family in question, I don’t know how they operate at home but it seems to me they are fully accepting him into the family. He just might need to let them know, in no uncertain terms, when lines are crossed.
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u/andybmcc 8d ago edited 8d ago
- Apologize for the comment.
- Let him know that you're proud of him for getting serious about his health and you want to support him.
- Actually support him, but also keep him accountable.
- Enthusiastic blowy.
Problem solved.
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u/Browneyedgirl63 8d ago
Why would you let your family talk about him that way? Your family made snide comments ABOUT him and then you came home and made a snide comment TO him. You’re just like your family. Shame on you.
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u/tjcloutier3 8d ago
Honestly as a man this wouldn’t bother me. It’s clearly a joke. But yeah maybe some people would be sensitive.
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u/vg_vassilev 8d ago
It seems like you didn't have bad intentions, it was just an inappropriate joke. I get why he got upset, but he'll get over it. If I were you, I'd apologize again (in person), and just be understanding and patient, and not come up with excuses. You fucked up a bit, it's okay, shit happens, it's not like you called him a fatass.
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u/piperjon2000 8d ago
Why are you letting people fat shame someone you care for? Sounds to me like you are putting up with people "making snide comments " about your boyfriend with no rebuke?
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u/Baymavision 8d ago
Tell him "I'm proud of you and I was trying to be encouraging and make a joke about how long we'd been apart, but obviously i failed. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."