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u/Gati-Macro
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This is a suck !
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u/BrendoBdawg 8d ago
Son of a shit
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u/Casual_Deviant 8d ago
Oh go ass yourself
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u/boogers19 8d ago
Worked with one guy, always 3 swears.
Fukdamcrap.
Titshitfucker
Asscrapbitch
And it was all day long. He was the electronics guy in a big box furniture store. So he was always banging his head on a shelf, or having to crawl under a display, or finding the next fuk up from the sales team.
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u/honeywithbiscuits 8d ago
I read the 3rd one as "assclapbitch" 💀
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u/boogers19 8d ago
I mean, that woulda worked for him. I say "swears" but I think "assclap" woulda fit. He'd often throw in an "eat" or "lick".
eatshitfuk
craptitlicker
Still conveys the same message, y'kno? Plus all the Czech. He'd throw some of those fun foreign swears into the mix often enough too.
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u/BarryTGash 8d ago
Sounds like Sandy Sue, the cheerleader with tourette's, in Not Another Teen Movie...
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u/Team_Braniel 8d ago
Shit you!
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u/BEAMeUPScuT 8d ago
Go suck a fuck, you fuck-ass!
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u/NotAnAltAccount73 8d ago
I always say are you fucking me
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u/ProfessorSizzle 8d ago
Yeah that one is pretty common I think
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u/IdoNOThateNEVER 8d ago
Never in my life have I said something like that!
It's been said to me multiple times though..
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u/LazarusCrowley 8d ago
Tinydongcrew
Edit: Fucking, lol. Hashtags make you yell in text, apparently. But since I'm pleased with it, it stays.
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u/mrastronautglenn 8d ago
"Are you fucking me right now?" Is in weekly rotation.
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u/NotAnAltAccount73 8d ago
I always use it in situations where I would say "are you fucking kidding me"
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u/thebaked_baker 8d ago
My husband speaks English as a second language and this is what he says when he wants to say "are you fucking kidding me?" And I just die laughing everytime. Yeah hunny, I'm definitely fucking you!
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u/pie4july 8d ago
Reminds me of that video of those two Indian guys yelling at each other
FUCK YOU BLOODY FUCKING
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u/No-Nefariousness9330 8d ago
This reminds me of the middle eastern family that owned the indoor mall I used to work at. "I don't give a fuck mother what time you get off, you're staying until 12 shitting am"
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u/LogrosTlanImass 8d ago
It reminds me of the video where the Pakistani finance minister is being harassed in the airport and he gets angry yelling back "I will fuck you right here!". While holding flowers, of course, because he's a gentleman.
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u/Spikes_in_my_eyes 8d ago
To be fair, I've used that as a threat before. It usually confuses the other person enough to difuse the situation.
"I will fuck you, right now"
"You mean fuck me up, right?
shakes head slowly while maintaining eye contact
....."oh, uh, OK"
Then we all start laughing
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u/SmoothJazzRayner 8d ago
Then you fucked?
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u/Snowbank_Lake 8d ago
In grad school I became friends with a guy from Eritrea. One night we were chatting online and he kept throwing around the F word in a way that sounded like he was angry. I asked him what he was upset about. He said he was just trying to be funny. I guess he thought adding the F word to a sentence automatically made it funnier.
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u/mcwildtaz 8d ago
Is he wrong though
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u/Rufuszombot 8d ago
What the fuck do you think?
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u/insane_contin 8d ago
I think it's fucking hilarious. Thank you for bringing this fucking anecdote to light.
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u/spirito_santo 8d ago
fucking anecdote
fucking anec-fucking-dote
FTFY
Oh yeah - for more Fucks (or less, actually);
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8aulstjbV8&ab_channel=ThomasBenjaminWildEsq
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u/BertMacGyver 8d ago
My polish grandad worked in a factory with a load of other poles after the war who were all learning English. They weren't a fan of their supervisor and would regularly take the piss. One day it got too much for him and he apparently blurted out the immortal phrase:
"You all think I know fuck nothing! But I know fuck all!"
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u/Caleb_Reynolds 8d ago
It really feels like a prank on ESL folks that "fuck nothing" and "fuck all" mean the same thing.
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u/Mantisfactory 8d ago
They really don't. "Fuck nothing" is meaningless, and so contextually we understand the Fuck to be an aside, and only parse the meaning of 'nothing.' Or, we understand it as Fuck[ing] Nothing. Either way, "fuck all" is a specific phrase that means 'nothing'. Whereas "Fuck nothing" is just the word nothing with a meaningless Fuck tacked on.
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u/glonomosonophonocon 8d ago
“Fuckmother” makes me think of the Neill Blomkamp robot movie, Chappie, starring Die Antwoord.
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u/mysixthredditaccount 8d ago
Reminds me of the Key and Peele sketch about the kebabi and shebabi. Those sons of mother bithces.
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u/Denny_204 8d ago
Me: Sits on a wet seat
Me: "Ahhhh... Fuck my ass!"
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u/someguyfromsk 8d ago
"oh fuck me sideways" is one of my favorite exasperated lines.
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u/xrocket21 8d ago
I worked with a guy from Thunder Bay, Canada, and he would say, "shit in my hand!" And it was hilarious
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u/chewienick 8d ago
"I'd rather shit in my hand and clap." Is one that I like to use when I really don't want to do something
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u/pow3llmorgan 8d ago
I sometimes explete "shit in the sea" or "shit in the Lord's basement" but in my native language.
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u/tullytheshawn 8d ago
I really wish explete were a word because it kinda sounds awesome
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u/disturbed286 8d ago
Can I ask what your native language is?
And/or what that phrase is, in that language?
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u/pow3llmorgan 8d ago
Danish. It would be "Skid i havet!" and "Lort i Herrens kælder!". Notice how the noun and verb of shit is different.
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u/disturbed286 8d ago
That's genuinely fascinating and I love it. Thanks!
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u/M0hnJadden 8d ago
Yiddish has a similar phrase! Anglicized it's gay kaken ofn yahm, which means "go shit in the ocean" kind of like fuck off or go take a hike. Not Jewish, it's used in one of the Dark Tower books by Stephen King, maybe Song of Susannah or The Dark Tower.
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u/knightopusdei 8d ago
I'm Ojibway-Cree (my language is a bit more east of Thunder Bay) and our goto swear word is TAGUY ..... it generally translates to 'penis' and it is considered highly offensive ... when we were kids, if we said this word, mom would slap the shit out of us for saying it and dad would glare at us as if to say that we weren't his children.
and to add to the fun .... there are a dozen ways to use Taguy ... it is generally our equivalent for 'fuck'
keetaguy ... ahtaguy ... neetaguy ... ootaguy ... takee .. akee .. shoakee .. taguy-ahkee ... taguy-taguy ... ashki-taguy .. ashki-ti-ni-mi-nish-ki-taguy ... etc
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u/disturbed286 8d ago edited 8d ago
I accidentally went off the road in the snow a few years ago, and the thing that immediately came out of my mouth was "fuck me running!"
In high school I was a fan of "take a flying fuck off a tall building."
I'm not sure if I came up with that myself, or got it from somewhere.
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u/shits-n-gigs 8d ago
"Fuck me running" was my go-to. Where you from? I picked it up in the Midwest.
I did stop really using it a lot after a few women were kinda disgusted by it.
But you can't change nature. Trip off the curb or watching your train roll away? Immediate FMR, no thoughts to stop it.
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u/Witty_Ruin_7339 8d ago
I would say "fuck you in the WORST possible way!" And hubby would resond, "Standing on my head in a hammock?"
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u/Tarpup 8d ago
"You gotta be sucking my dick right now!"
Is a solid go to.
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u/The_Fluffy_Walrus 8d ago
my personal favorite is "are you shitting my pants right now?"
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u/theoutlet 8d ago
Supposedly, one day at my brother’s work, one coworker was being very impatient with another. He just wasn’t going fast enough to his liking. I think he was in his way. So..
Coworker #1: “Come on, man! Hurry up! Come on! Come on! Come on!”
Coworker #2, fed up with being harassed, replied: “Oh, come on my ass!”
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u/BiBoFieTo 8d ago
"Yes! Eat all of our shirts!" - Flanders
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u/Toshiba1point0 8d ago
Thats a dilly of a pickle
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u/hexcor 8d ago
As the tree said to the lumber jack, i'm stumped
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u/Jazz-Cigarettes 8d ago edited 8d ago
Flanders: It's been 4,000 days since my last drink. It was my first--and last--blackberry schnapps.
(fade to flashback)
Maude: Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today?
Ned: Ann Landers is a boring old biddy!
Maude: [gasping] Ned!
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u/ChasingPesmerga 8d ago
Wtf the fuck
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u/GeonnCannon 8d ago
"What the fuck does WTF mean??"
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u/boogers19 8d ago
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
Decent Tina Fey movie. She plays a war correspondant.
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u/samfitnessthrowaway 8d ago
'Shit Off' is a pretty standard insult in parts of the UK.
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u/HaroldTheIronmonger 8d ago
It's in my daily rotation. Usually in the voice of Tony Harrison.
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u/funkinggiblet 8d ago
I’ve a heavy goods license! Nobody’s got more miles under their belt than me!
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u/ExcellentSelection69 8d ago
Are you fucking me is also a part of my vocabulary
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u/Successful-Giraffe29 8d ago
Makes me think of that john Cena and Amy shumer movie where Cena is trying to cuss out a guy in the theater
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u/Sativa_Dreams 8d ago
Reminds me of the scene from Get Hard with Will Farrel and Kevin Hart. https://youtu.be/IHEc66d08YU (extremely NSFW btw)
the dialogue is like exactly the same as this post lol. just nonsensical swearing adding in anywhere
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u/tastygrowth 8d ago
This reminds me of staying at a friends house as an early middle school student, in the late 90s. There were several of us staying at this kid's house, we all had been swearing on our own (except this kid) and were well versed at it, but were never allowed to at this kid's house. Well this time the kid's mom was out of town so it was just his dad home with us for the sleep over so he let us swear. This kid and his dad seemed strangely excited about being able to swear at home. The rest of us didn't give a shit; swearing was "old news" for us. Anyway, it was comical listening to them swear for no reason in awkward context. Sometimes it came off just like this comic, just wrong! lol
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u/Big_Rig_Jig 8d ago
This is hilarious, I wonder if the dad was just messing with the kid? Or was he legit into it?
Either way that's a funny story.
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u/tastygrowth 8d ago
I remember the dad being the most awkward with his swear placement. I can't remember any examples though. So I would guess the dad wasn't just messing with us. Another time later in high school we stayed there while the mom was away and the dad bought us a 12 pack of beer, thinking he'll be the "cool dad" that let the boys drink a beer. We asked the kid if that's all he got. It was. So on our way over there we went to our usual guy, the town alcoholic, and had him buy us another case. Not only did we swear, we also drank! Thinking back, we were probably a bad influence on him. lol
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u/Big_Rig_Jig 8d ago
Weird.
Probably, but it sounds like he has some good influences too. Variety is the spice of life.
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u/SermanGhepard 8d ago
ILL FUCK YOU RIGHT HERE
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u/Team_Braniel 8d ago
ILL FUCK YOU BLOODY
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u/dbrodes 8d ago
BLOODY FUCK YOU BLOODY
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u/HyperGamers 8d ago
WHY YOU FUCK ME, I FUCK YOU BLOODY
For the people that don't know: https://youtu.be/ukznXQ3MgN0
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u/Casual_Deviant 8d ago edited 8d ago
This one goes out to Connor from middle school who thought he was being so cool by sticking random swears he'd heard into every sentence.
Hope you enjoy! You can check out my profile for various links to more of my comics.
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u/benefit_of_mrkite 8d ago
This reminded me of my great grandmother who even in her nineties would swear like this. She called them “barnyard words”
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u/sithkazar 8d ago
My grandmother only had one swear that she used, but when she used it you knew she was done. She would slam her cane down and say a little too slowly... "Well. Son of a Bitch." No yelling. Just calm words, a frown, and the bang of her cane on the ground. But everyone knew that was Grandma's limit.
I was there when she was dying in the hospital. Everyone was sitting around her bed telling stories. She was in and out of consciousness. The last time she woke up, we didn't notice right away because we were talking to each other and she got frustrated. Her last words to us were "This is MY party!"
Its hard to believe she has been gone ten years now. God, I miss her still.
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u/Morgothic 8d ago
Then why doesn't it say, "Connor is bad at swearing"? What did Jeff ever do to you?
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u/josegarrao 8d ago
I am 51 y.o., saw billions of memes and jokes related to myself, and this is the one. That is me.
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u/TheGoodOldCoder 8d ago
It's interesting how being angry or upset can affect your speech patterns, for better or worse.
I definitely also see a bit of myself in this, like in the past, if I was playing Xbox with voice chat on, and somebody insulted me after I made a mistake, I lost all ability to form meaningful sentences, especially if I was hoping to insult them back. (It's surprising how often the person who insults you for playing bad also has the worst score on your team.) I couldn't even defend myself, verbally.
My solution was to get control of my emotions and stop being angry, and also to turn off voice chat. Worthless feature.
It can also work the other way. I knew a Japanese guy who spoke English at a fairly poor level, but if he was angry, all the curses that came out of his mouth were like native level, expert English.
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u/TexaNole0309 8d ago
Should work on his colorful metaphors.
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u/LoveVirginiaTech 8d ago
"Well double dumb ass on you!"
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u/Thirty_Helens_Agree 8d ago
They are not, the hell, your whales.
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u/ac_s2k 8d ago
I'm attacked. I say "what the damn" atheist twice a day
Edit. Whoops that was meant to say "at least". What the damn.
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u/geekaustin_777 8d ago
Knew a dude from Hyderabad who cursed like this when he was angry. It was damn near impossible to keep milk from coming out of my nose every time.
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u/Disgraze826 8d ago
'Shit Off' sounds like it could be legit Brit-speak (based on what my ignorant American ass has learned from ACORN TV):
"Shit off you bloody tosser, things about to go tits up!"
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u/justgoride 8d ago
Well done!
I’ve been ugly laughing over this for at least 10 minutes. Every time I calm down my brain goes “what the damn” and I start all over.
My husband just said shit off and I just can’t.
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u/boogers19 8d ago
There's a line in Archer where a pirate with an accent and a loose grasp on the English language asks him:
"What the hell, dumb guy?!"
And I always hear
"What the hell, damn guy".
And it just, I don't even know, i love to say that sentence. So I do. A lot.
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u/UkrUkrUkr 8d ago
In swearing, like in art, the thought is important, not a form.
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u/virgilreality 8d ago
I disagree, you shitting damnhole...
<s>
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u/Manu442 8d ago
Sounds like a mother bitcher to me.
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u/nexguy 8d ago
Hey, go fuck me yourself.
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u/blacmagick 8d ago
I was refereeing a french team a few years ago and one of their guys wasn't great with English. He got fouled by another player and yelled "FUCK THE BITCH" at him lol
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u/GriffinFlash 8d ago
Reminds me of when I was a kid in grade 3 and tried to swear the first time.
Saw some people acting dumb and was all, "Those people are so shut up"
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